I know I don't write here very much, or anywhere for that matter. Why? The lazy (and bullshit) answer is "I've been busy". Not busy enough to excuse myself of the deserved guilt about it, I have the time; but busy enough that I have not felt the need or desire to express myself in ink online. Today I do.
The real answer is that I've been afraid, but more on that in a minute.
This week last year, I started what has easily been the happiest 365 day period of my life; I fell in love. Good enough reason right? I had been dating around in the early half of 2015, but found little luck at the bar, or on tinder, so I signed up for OKcupid. A few months in, I came across the profile of a lovely young woman from New Jersey named Nicole who was into podcasts, and dorky stuff like I am. I asked her "Who's your favorite Paul F. Tompkins character on Comedy Bang Bang?", and its been history since. We weirdly got to come full circle this past May, when we saw the show live in Tarrytown, NY and got the cast to sign a printout of that same message.
For the rest of 2015 though, we did the 'young couple in NY' thing, and that was an easy enough social distraction, as I was still exploring the city myself. I was mostly content just being a human with someone to love, a decent job and an apartment in a cool city. I still had dreams (writing, stand-up, directing, photography,) but I had all the time in world to get to them.
I did do enough creatively that I could lie and tell myself I hadn't completely put my ambitions on the back burner. I wrote an unpublished article for New York Comic-Con, got up at a few open-mics, applied to jobs constantly, and got a few interviews at post houses around the city. I lowered the gas on the back-burner and felt just 'OK' about it.
Christmas came and went, my lease was extended until September, and work was steady. I took a few extra AVID classes because I had figured I was in a prime spot to make a name for myself as an editor; That I could work my way up, and then move laterally back into production at some point in the future. You know, 'when I have more time', that kind of thing.
It didn't occur to me I wasn't very happy with post until recently, during an interview with the NASDAQ. The role was a producer-type position with their social team, and I didn't know how badly I wanted to be back in the action until I was walking the floor where they ring the opening bell of the stock market. I remember looking up at the segmented kiosks of all the different media outlets, and it reminded me of my time filming the Red Wings at the baseball stadium. The next day at work I realized I can't sit behind a desk for the next 40 years, that's just not who I am.
The back burner was lit. But first about that fear.
Right after graduation in 2014, before I moved to Stamford, Connecticut, I was convinced it was impossible for some random kid from upstate to break into this industry at a high level with no connections. Its more or less unheard of. The plan was to work small time in Rochester for a few years, get comfortable being on stage regularly, add a few short films to my portfolio, and save up for a proper go at the NYC pipe-dream.
So when I got the offer for 'Millionaire', I jumped and a week later I was on the coast, riding the wave I have been on since. In the 6 months I was on that show, a few of the comics I knew back home had successfully completed their versions of plan A. By the time I moved to the Bronx, and lost the instinct to gawk at skyscrapers, everyone was here. I would go to shows, be floored by their progress, compare myself to friends/acquaintances unfairly, and beat myself up over it. Anyone who has ever seriously tried comedy will tell you, that is a very very dumb thing to do, but I'm the type that needed to learn first hand, until I basically 'froze-up' creatively.
It took me a while to realize that they had made a choice to do what they wanted to be doing, and that me going through the motions, and trying to play catch-up would not help until I was ready to make a move for myself. I get it now, but I'm still working on getting back on that horse.
Cut to:
June 12th of this year, and I'm laying on the bed in Nicole's room. It's Sunday, my 25th birthday, and the end of what was hands down the best weekend I can remember, all because of her. We went to Medieval Times, Kevin Smith's Secret Stash, an arcade, I was able to touch the ocean for the first time, etc, and I am on cloud nine. She is showering off the beach while I scroll through twitter on my phone, when my best friend from college, Dave calls.
When I went east, Dave went west to Hollywood. When I got into post production, Dave stuck it out a bit longer and landed a job at Obsev.com as a Studio Operator, and has since worked his way up. He had called before a few times with smaller job offers, but nothing of worth jumping ship for, although we had an understanding that he would let me know when it was time. He said it was time, and lays out a possible offer out in LA that would have been too sweet too pass up. I have him on speaker, and Nicole walks in halfway through our conversation. She smiles because she is the sweetest, but I knew at that moment that was the worst possible thing for her to hear. It's still only a possibility at this point, but one I have to consider. We decide not to talk about it.
5 Minutes into the the ride back to my apartment in the Bronx, I bring it up. We just had the time of our lives together, and to have this offer handing over our collective heads would end the good time we spent together on a bad note. So we both talk, and on the George Washington bridge, we carry on a conversation that is the stuff of Drake songs; Ambition, love, what it means to be successful, what it means to be happy, where we are together, all of it. Tears are shed, but I haven't decided. When we finally get back to my apartment, we both feel a little better about the situation.
For my birthday I had asked, half as a joke, for vanilla on vanilla ice-cream cake (yeah, whatever), and again, because she is the sweetest, Nicole pulled it off. As we split the tiny Carvel, she flips on the TV and settles on "Saving Private Ryan", and it hits me. I am sitting in my own apartment in New York City, with a girl I love, who wants to kiss me, eating ice cream, and watching what when I was 12, was one of my favorite movies. If I would have told that to my 12 year old self, he would give me a high-five and say I made it. Because like me finding a job right out of school, all this was impossible way back then.
So it clicked that I had to take the job. If I had achieved all my 12 year old dreams, why could't I check off the kinds of things I always talked about late at nights when I was 20? Back when Dave and I would be talking shit late into the night about working with Judd Apatow, or Steven Spielberg, while we waited for clips to load in the basement of the communications building.
So I made a choice to pursue the things I want, and to make a move for myself.
Nicole and I talked, and we're going to make it work. It's always been something she has wanted too, and it is a hell of a lot easier to do with a partner. So when I come back for Christmas, the plan is that we'll road-trip cross country together, and in between save up enough to lease a nice place somewhere in LA.
Last Friday it was approved, I bought my ticket to LAX on Monday, and today I put in my two weeks notice. I'm headed home this weekend to celebrate with my family at a wedding upstate, and over the next two weeks, please reach out if your in the city. On July 7th I start chasing the next dream.